Career Services begins to prepare students for alternative careers

Courtesy of Google Image SearchThe current economic turmoil has taken a major toll on SU graduates who are looking for jobs once they earn their degree. The state of economic affairs is so bad that when asked what liberal arts degrees would be desired in the current job market, Career Services said, “none.”

This has led them to revise their system of internships to include the world’s first ever “Ghetto Connections.” According to that lady that works at the front desk,  “we are now offering internships with whorehouses, drug dealers, smut peddlers, pornographers, hustlers and gangsters.”

While students will have a hard time with the learning curve initially, they will do well in time.  In order to assist the transition, Career Services is offering a new Strengths Quest assessment. Students will be tested on how well they handle firearms and speak slang. They will also have to learn how to use a social networking system that they are most likely not familiar with. According to Career Services, “it’s called the ways of the street and it’s actually very similar to Facebook. In fact most of the features are pretty similar. For example, instead of Facebook stalking someone, you actually stalk them. Your wall is literally a wall, most likely behind some building where people spray graffiti. Farmville is replaced by marijuana growing. Instead of having a Facebook status you just yell really loudly so everyone can hear you. And instead of defriending someone you just murder them.”

In addition, all that literary and sociological theory comes in handy. “Roland Barthes’ essay on the Death of the Author is particularly useful during graffiti operations because most of the time rival gangs are wanting to bring about the death of the author of the graffiti. Foucault is also useful. You can quote Archaeology of Knowledge during a shootout to confuse rival gangsters.”

Almost every degree is useful as well. According to them, “your degree is probably applicable with these occupations. Art majors can do graffiti for gangs. Business majors can keep track of a pimp’s income. Chemistry majors can help supervise in meth labs. Religion majors can help pray for a gang’s victory during a shootout. Environmental Studies majors can find the best places to grow weed. Anthropology majors can study the other gangs as if they were cultures and give kingpins their reports while maintaining that no gang is superior to another. Pre-med majors can treat bullet wounds. Theatre majors can learn how to act cool during a gang war. And International Studies can students can assist in smuggling operations.” The one degree that has no relevance is Philosophy, according to Career Services.
“Philosophy will make you think life is so pointless you shouldn’t go into any career.”

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