State of the Union: "less than pessimistic"

Courtesy of Google Image SearchOn Jan. 27, 2010, President Barack Obama addressed Congress and the nation in the annual State of the Union Address. The event was originally slated to be a two-hour talk because, according to the White House, “a one-hour speech couldn’t get close to covering the extent of how screwed America is.” The move was decided against because “John McCain and the other old senators might fall asleep.” Reactions to the speech varied across groups who watched the speech.

Marijuana advocates originally thought Obama was going to talk about legalization of the drug when they learned the State of the Union would be a joint session. They were quickly disabused of this idea when they heard nothing about drug policy reform.
John Madden offered Michelle Obama some football pads when he heard she was going to “tackle childhood obesity.”

Madden said, in a statement released the next day, “Careful, fat kids can be hard to tackle.”

Environmentalists were happy to hear about environmental legislation being passed but were disappointed when Obama stated that he was pursuing clean coal and offshore drilling to “work toward energy independence and global warming reduction.”

The IPCC reacted harshly after the event when they stated,  “Clean Coal is about as clean as a Vegas strip club.”

Many Republicans were outraged when Obama said that, “Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership,” in reference to repeated Republican attempts at stonewalling legislation. Their outrage was furthered when Obama stated that he wanted a monthly meeting with Republicans.

The chief member of the Republican Party had something to say regarding the idea: “No.”

The Obama administration apologized for making the statement.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “We apologize for stating that Republicans are always saying no. Clearly they don’t say no to mistresses, big business and ignorant constituents.”

College students were happy to hear that all student loan debt would be forgiven after 20 years. One SU student said, “Shoot, I’m just not going to ever pay. Thanks, Obama!”

News sources also reported the many prototype robots exploded due to too many logical contradictions when they overheard the speech on TV. One scientist stated, “My poor babies are gone. If only Obama had clarified what he meant when he said that the government was going to freeze domestic spending while they were going to invest in dozens of programs to revitalize the economy.”

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