Fatties Need Not Apply

Could this be what is on your dating site?  Courtesy of Google Images.

Could this be your blind date from a dating site? Courtesy of Google Images.

When I order textbooks from Amazon, I expect exactly what is in the picture and description. “Like New” translates in my mind to saving some $800 on this one used book, though from the appearance whomever last possessed the book clearly had no interest in Fundamental Foundations of Functional Financial Accounting, or whatever text my absurd ex-major requires. Thus, teasing me with “like new” and then sending me “acceptable” is simply unacceptable.

Dating sites should work the same way. If I so choose to pay a hefty portion of writer’s salary to ensure I am only dating non-hefty hotties, I want to be ensured I am getting what I paid for and will not have to go through the awkward “return process” or excruciating first date.

So thank you, Mr. Robert Hintze, for not “letting fatties roam [your] site,” BeautifulPeople.com. The website axed over 5000 members for recent holiday weight gain.

Anyone who dares slack on their eating disorders over this crucial time before the pinnacle of romance itself (Valentine’s Day) deserves to be unceremoniously tossed on their muffin-stuffed asses to forage through the world of excruciatingly average people populating the mainstream dating sites.

Those of us who proudly continue to allow our militaristic workout routines consume our livelihoods shouldn’t be burdened with those who cave at the first site of grandma’s homemade cooking or nephew’s earnestly presented 900-calorie gingerbread man.

If you are going to advertise yourselves as the “sexiest website in the world today” and guarantee “dates that will always be beautiful,” you can’t beat around the bush (god forbid) on fatties. Welcome to capitalism kids; false advertising is not accepted, and fat only correlates to beautiful for those obviously less motivated or less occupied with physical appearance.

Want people to look past the surface? Value your intelligence or wit? Join a dating site that tailors to those banalities or believes in such things as the subjectivity of beauty.

Thankfully Hintze has a clear-cut, non-refutable answer to such pompous, post-modernist perceptions of beauty and implements his innovative take on sex-appeal right on the site through a sliding scale of user ratings. Each person has a myriad of pictures to browse through so that the validity of their beauty can be clearly determined without the deception of camera tricks and light angles.

Once you have properly sorted through a portion of the individual’s representational narcissism, you then scientifically calculate viaAmerica's Increasing Waist Linemeasurement of your blood pressure and personal envy exacting how beautiful on a zero-to-10 scale each person is. As more people view each person’s page, the number is actualized and solidified – as there is undoubtedly consensus. Even more importantly, as each person adds recent pictures to their page, their attractiveness can be tracked through the development of their work out routine and “eating” habits.

Therefore, when some undeserving fatty manages to finagle their unruly thighs into the site, they are quickly exposed for the fleshy miscreants they are.
Way to go, BeautifulPeople! One more step toward sterilizing the whole overweight population entirely.

All opinions expressed in Opinion & Editorial pieces are the opinions expressed by the author and not the Megaphone staff in general.  Thank you.

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