Intro to Exquisite Writing

ENGLISH CLASSROOM FULL OF FRESHMEN AND… ME, 3:30 PM

PUBLISHED AUTHOR/ENGLISH PROFESSOR: Okay, so here’s an easy exercise you can use to work on writing better stories.

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME [muttering]: He thinks he’s sooo cool, Mr. Published Author.

PROFESSOR: …Take this sentence and fill in the blanks: “The best thing that ever happened to me was __________, BUT __________.”

THE CLASS: …

PROFESSOR: Okay, let’s try it! Go!Classroom

TEN MINUTES LATER

PROFESSOR: Let’s hear what everybody wrote! [To girl in front row:] We’ll start with you.

TIMID GIRL WITH PONYTAIL: The best thing that ever happened to me… was learning to ride a bicycle… but then I fell off of it.

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME: HA HA what a klutz. WHAT A KLUTZ.

PROFESSOR: Okay, that’s a good start. Next.

SMALL FRESHMAN BOY WEARING BEANIE: The effervescence of the ocean… calling to me like ethereal sirens… the azure folds of the waves… my love awaits me on the shore…

PROFESSOR: …….Um, okay, very poetic.

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME: Omg SNORE.

HIPSTER IN FRONT OF ME: The best thing that ever happened to me was getting sick. But then I didn’t die.

PROFESSOR: …

HIPSTER: Just kidding.

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME: WOW EMO.

ME: Um, the best thing that ever happened to me was when I learned to read minds. But, little did I know, this enabled other people to read my mind, too.

PROFESSOR: Hmm, sounds like a sci-fi novel in the works.

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME: Ha ha WOW OKAY.

ME: Fuck off, it’s your turn.

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME: The best thing that EVER happened to me was meeting my BOYFRIEND!

PROFESSOR: …

CLASS: …

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME: He’s my SOULMATE!

PROFESSOR: …

CLASS: …

RICH KID WEARING HOLLISTER: The best thing that ever happened to me was winning the lottery, but then I spent it all.

GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME: Ha ha YEAH O–

CLASS: SHUT UP.

GUY WITH LARGE BEARD: The best thing that ever happened to me was learning to play the guitar, but then it messed up my fingers and made me BLEED HEAVY METAL GLORY.

GIRL WITH LARGE GLASSES: The best thing that ever happened to me was when I figured out I was gay. I was at a sleepover, you see, and this girl climbed on top of me–

PROFESSOR: OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH GREAT JOB TODAY CLASS I’LL SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW KTHXBAI.

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