College Board Introduces BEER

BeerAfter years of receiving complaints for ineffective prediction, the College Board has revised the SAT to feature, what CEO Gaston Caperton calls, “a totally awesome set of predictors for college success.” This Monday the company introduced the new test called BEER, “Better and more Effective Evaluation of Reasoning,” which features drinking tests, beer-pong skills assessments and dancing contests.

In an interview Caperton gave the media this week, he stated, “For too long kids have been fooled into thinking that the Pythagorean theorem will actually help them or that words like ‘mendacious’ and ‘perspicacious’ could actually be used in speech without making them look like total pretentious d-bags. Well, guess what kids? We were fooling you the whole time.” Caperton was there with his wife who comforted him as he bawled over how his company lied to the nation for over “100 freaking years.” He said, “I’m so sorry I made kids think that knowing the formula for the volume of a sphere would ever help them hook up and get laid while in college, which is the only reason why to go in the first place.”

After several hours of answering questions, Caperton revealed a sample BEER test to a select group of college-bound high school seniors and said, “Everybody get your Keystone Lights out. It’s time to see if you all are going to be good college students.”

The BEER was reportedly in works for over 10 years. In regards to the contents of the test, students are still required to bring calculators but that is only for the portion that requires the test-takers to calculate how much money has been tallied up to make a few beer runs. Furthermore, there will still be a reading assessment featured, but this is reportedly only to “read beer labels.”

The test is no longer measured out of 2400 either. Caperton stated his grievances over the former scoring system when he asked, “Why the hell did we put it at 2400 and each section at 800? That means losers could score in the hundreds, which is a number that can make them feel good about themselves.” To counter this misrepresentation, College Board just uses labels to be more accurate. Students that hold their liquor well, along with knowing every brand of vodka, dancing well and reciting the alphabet backwards while drunk are given the label “totally effing awesome.” The other levels, ranked from best to worst are as follows: “standard frat boy/sorority girl,” “average partygoer,” “nondescript casual drinker,” “guy/girl you have to watch after they passed out to make sure they don’t die,” and of course, “the roommate you wish you never had.”

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