Why Windows 7 Sucks and Is Evil

Yeah, the picture is old. I am so disappointed. I was so excited to get my new shining copy of Windows 7, and then I installed it and well, what the hell, Microsoft? They changed so many things! The release candidate (which I was running for the past four months or so) was absolutely amazing. I simply cannot recommend this product. Here’s why:

  • Windows 7 only comes with software originally able to be found only at Scholastic Book Fairs, such as “Dissect a Frog” and “Magic School Bus Goes to Jamaica.” Microsoft does offer the rest of the included in content downloadable from the Internet, but…
  • There is no internet connectivity in the Home Premium edition! You have to buy the $20 dollar more, Windows 7 2010 Home Premium with Internet Express or Windows 7 2010 Home Premium with Internet Professional edition.
  • Windows 7 comes with Word, but you can’t edit, create or read documents using it – you can only get help from Clippy with menial tasks (I see you’re folding some laundry. Want some help? NO, CLIPPY. I DO NOT).
  • Windows 7, when installed, will always make it be July 7, 1977. You cannot change this without a time machine.
  • Windows 7 will find and beat up any Macs on your home network, making them unusable.
  • Windows 7 will also beat up any machine running any form of Linux, but all it has to do is install a new graphics card.
  • Windows 7 blocks access to Google, Yahoo! and Ask.com, redirecting the user to Bingoogle, Bingyahoo and Bingask.com.
  • Windows 7 also blocks access to Apple.com and instead redirects the user to hotclubsexxxx.com.
  • Mice do not work with Windows 7. You have to either use rats or guinea pigs.
  • Windows 7 gets rid of “Solitaire” and instead replaces it with “Dungeons and Dragons, Fourth Edition.”
  • Windows 7 doesn’t work with iTunes. Oh, wait, that’s because iTunes sucks.
  • Windows 7 has DRM that’ll prevent you from having any sort media on your hard disk. When it detects you have media, it replaces all of it with pictures of the RIAA’s and MPAA’s disapproving board members.
  • Windows 7 was the reason why we lost the Vietnam War.
  • Windows 7 doesn’t work on most monitors by default. To enable Windows 7 to work on most monitors, go to Control Panel, then Monitors, and then click the “Turn on support for most monitors.” Until you do this, you’ll just have a black screen on your monitor. The only monitors that Windows 7 works on are on some LCD monitors, some CRT monitors and Johnny Depp.
  • Windows 7 will punish you for going to certain websites, and it will email your mother every time you look at porn or communist propaganda.
  • The official mascot of Windows 7 is the Blue Man Group, and as a result, the startup chime is the beginning chord to their hit song “Blue (La Da Deeba Da Da).”
  • The only other default start up chime is a voice that says “John McCain should’ve won the election. Damn lieberals.”
  • The Windows 7 box is made up from the bones of children.
  • The one good thing that Windows 7 does have is support for games – but only 3D games with female characters with a bust size larger than 36DD.
  • While on an acid trip, Windows 7 will detect this and show you pictures of demons to make the trip that much more special.
  • Windows 7 cannot be taunted.
  • Windows 7 cannot communicate with French PCs at all – instead, it makes French jokes behind their backs to other non-French PCs.
  • Windows 7 has abused the members of the Megaphone, doing such acts as locking them into closets, stealing their wine and spilling hypofluorous acid all over the place.
  • Windows 7 cannot run DOS programs! How else can I use Lotus 1-2-3?
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