Concerned Parent Writes to Andrew Dornon

Dana Cartwright.If there’s one thing I learned in my court appointed parenting class, it’s how not to be a shitty parent. Too bad so many other people can’t seem to learn the same. It seems like all I hear from parents everywhere I go is “Blah blah blah! The Swine Flu’s gonna kill my kid, blah blah blah!”

Seriously people, it’s not a big deal. Besides, if your kid bites it from the swine flu, just make another one (we all know how fun that is, right?) Also, as I a parent, I think there are a number of other, much bigger, worries that we need to be focusing on.

For instance, did you know that drinking Mountain Dew can shrink your balls? My boys love that stuff! They drink it morning, day, and night! (Well, they used to until I found out the drink would turn their family jewels into the family studded earrings).

Also, terrorism. Terrorism is a constant threat to the safety of your children. If you’re a good parent, you will constantly remind your children that they are in danger of these attacks (it’s good to keep them cautious).

Did you know that the Round Rock outlet mall is #345 on the FBI’s list of “Places that are somewhat likely to be struck by a terrorist attack”? 345! They might as well change the name to “the Kenyan Embassy”! All I know is that if my boys or I need a new pair of slacks from the Gap, we’re heading to Hillsboro (which is placed safely at #670).

Also, what’s all this I hear about the H1N1 vaccine causing autism? What a bunch of baloney! First of all, a lot of autism cases are misdiagnosed. What’s the real prognosis? LAZINESS. Just tell your kid to quit being lazy and start interacting socially with others like a normal kid. Pretty soon, they’re bound to quit with the charade and snap out of it.

Secondly, so what if it has a chance of causing autism? Are we going to stop doing everything that might have a chance of causing a horrible, debilitating illness? That’s like saying we should quit getting sunburned because it causes skin cancer! And I may be a parent, but that doesn’t mean I have total authority over my children’s choices.

If they want to drink hard liquor at the age of 12, who am I to stop them? Cirrhosis of the liver be damned! I’m not going to step on my child’s basic American freedoms. The point is: let’s be sensible about this, and quit being preoccupied with all of this “harmful side effects” nonsense. It’s time to wake up America.

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