Wake Up, America!

Care Bears want you to wake up!The good and mostly old, white men of Wall Street have been abused and harangued for far too long. After decades of oppression, government involvement and regulation forced them into a painful financial meltdown. Sadly, the rich and old white men of America just can’t seem to shake off those Wall Street blues. A recent study done by TeaPartyPatriots.org found that yachts, sailboats and mega-mansion providers have had to quit offering gold plated swimming pools. This news has caused a serious decline in morale and financial planner confidence.

The suffering of the wealthy has gone on long enough. Like just about all problems in this great consumer nation, the poor and destitute are to blame. Conservative economic expert and researcher for the Glenn Beck School of Public Policy, Tyler Rankin eloquently explained that “the poor people just need to quit bein’ so darn lazy. If they just quit hanging out all day and used some of that welfare money to go to college, we wouldn’t have so many dang problems.” Mr. Rankin ended every sentence by blurting out “No-Bama” and left the interview screaming, “Down with socialism!”

America, we need to sit down at the local watering hole and realize that what Mr. Rankin is saying cannot be more accurate. Poor people just are not “workin’ hard ‘nough” these days. Before welfare, there were no poor people in America. There were also no great economic catastrophes before then—especially just before the socialist programs of FDR’s New Deal.

If the poor people just quit being lazy, imagine what amazing things could happen! Poor children could be put back to work and employees would be willing to work for $2.50 an hour. Families could form closer bonds because they wouldn’t need Medicaid or public schools. Poor parents also need to realize that proficiency in medicine, education, two foreign languages, real estate and working three jobs at the same time are necessary in order for their children to succeed. My heart starts to flutter when I think of the joy these changes would bring to a corporate CEO. No longer would socialistic regulations like honesty and prudence need to bind our nation’s executives.

Sadly though, these changes have not come to pass yet. Our current president is an incarnation of Hitler, Stalin, Lenin and Chairman Mao. To make it worse, his great uncle may have been half Muslim. Obviously, this Hussein Obama thinks that poor people need help. Stupid socialist. If anything, government should put regulations on the poor so they can get tougher and less lazy.

I bet you’re wondering right now, “Tim, what can I do to make poor people wake up and smell the mocha espresso?” Well, let me tell you. Here are few things any typical, wealthy American can do to help:

  • Watch Glenn Beck religiously
  • Distribute copies of video game “Call of Duty 4” at Salvation Army. Being in the Army is a ton of fun!!!
  • Bring guns to town hall meetings
  • Join the “Birther” movement
  • Claim that you shouldn’t have to pay taxes because you work hard

These are just a few ideas. We upper class Americans need to do all we can to help out our corporate cousins and end laziness in the lower classes. Then, and only then, can we return to a vibrant and roaring economy like that of 1928. Thank you for reading. Tune into Fox News to get more great ideas and factual information.

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