Face-Off: Obama Fires GM CEO; Fascism or Economic Recovery?

GM CEO looks concerned.

Story by Remy Robertson

Dear Americans,

It’s not a question as to whether GM CEO Rick Wagoner ought to step down from his position in the best interest of the company. Sure, GM has had its ups and downs under Wagoner, but I think most American taxpayers would give him the boot. The problem with this situation is whether the federal government ought to be able to “ask him to step down,” as was reported.

The federal government bailed out GM a few months ago, so granted, the feds do actually own GM. Because the feds own GM, sure, they have the judicial right to fire the CEO. What bothers me is the robust expansion of the federal government into the private sector.

The CEOs of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were forced out after their bailouts, as well as Robert Willumstad, former CEO of AIG. The federal government takes over and controls these companies that need bailouts, then reorganizes their management and contracts.

If I were a worker (at any level) in any of the aforementioned companies, I’d be scared shitless about my job. Why? Not just because my company may be going bankrupt, and may be having huge layoffs, but because the federal government can decide if they want to fire me—and they need no justification for it.

We are seeing an unusual display of the federal bureaucracy in this day and age.

People hate to say it, but this is what socialist and the then-later fascist governments did. They started by controlling the means of production—by making the industries part of the federal government—and then set wages and standard market relations. What did this do? It killed entrepreneurship, and denaturalized the market systems. Leftist Europe then retreated from the governmental regulation and decided to control the market with tax and management reform (they realized their mistake, will we realize the one we’re making?).

I’m not speaking as an anti-Marxist, anti-socialist, or anti-fascist writer. Simply, within the democratic and capitalist systems of the United States of America, I see the federal government working within socialist and fascist tactics. Is that wrong as a political ideology? I’m not going to discuss it.

Is it wrong in the United States at this moment? Yes.

The movements by the federal government, if they continue, will filter down to the state and local levels, causing restrictions upon the free-market space that our capitalist market is based on. I don’t want to see that happen, because it limits the economic market.

Did those companies need the bailout? It looks like it.

But if the federal government is going to control every aspect of the big corporations, set regulations to how they see them fit, change management (which means firing people) in the time of an economic recession, I say go bankrupt.

Wagoner was politely (I assume) asked to step down from the CEO position of GM, so he was not technically fired…but does it take too much imagination of the mind to see the federal government coming into your private business asking you to go into retirement?

I don’t think so.

But that’s not the worst part. If the feds came in and asked you to step down, and you said no, they would make it happen, in one way or another.

This isn’t democracy; this is fascism.

This is the federal government intervening in the somewhat-not-free-market and controlling it entirely.

I think, especially today, we need to have a better reserve on our relationship with the federal government.

The federal government should not have intervened with Wagoner’s job, even if they technically own the company.

GM CEO Wagoner has an amiable meeting with President Obama.
Economic Recovery
Story by Andrew Dornon

Dear readers: In a move that some are heralding as big brother inching closer to total control of our lives, the Obama administration forced General Motor’s CEO, Rick Wagoner, to resign. Could this be a step towards Stalinist authoritarianism? Or is it perhaps simply the logical end to the career of a man who guided the titanic automaker into a financial iceberg? And how should we, as citizens of the empire, respond to this?

Personally, I think a toast is in order. To congratulate our government for finally stepping up in this economic crisis and punishing those who wreaked such havoc on our economy and livelihoods. How could this man, along with two dozen or so other bigwigs, cause this financial shitstorm and not only stay out of prison, but also keep his job? That’s preposterous. How many lives has this man ruined? How many has he negatively affected? And corporate-fascist apologists have the gall to complain about him losing his job?

Not only are the free-market fundamentalists going to complain about it, but they are also going to try to tie in some sort of American sensibility in an attempt to rile up some good old patriotism. They will remark about the federalist roots of American government and probably say something about Reagan. But I would venture to say, that even though I generally don’t care about historical American ideals, there is something about community responsibility in our nation’s values. That sense of obligation to those around oneself is surely something that Wagoner lacked, and who wouldn’t if they were getting paid almost fourteen and a half million dollars.

Which brings me to my next point, why on Earth was this guy getting paid that much for being a complete failure? I don’t know. But this outrageous figure is just another reason why the government should wield more executive power over corporations that it has to save from failure. Obviously, these capitalists can’t even play their own game very well. They are very good at giving themselves large salaries, but they can’t keep the companies that they run afloat.

I’m not proposing totalitarianism here, but I am saying that the only entity I trust less than the government is big business. The government actually has some interest in the economy not collapsing, whereas GM, in its infinitely shortsighted laissez-faire perspective, doesn’t really. Although I don’t think the economy is really something that should be continued in its present form, but for the general population’s well-being it should be kept relatively stable.

What Wagoner did was definitely destabilizing to the national economy, and his actions should be viewed as criminal. If I were to go out and blow up a building, then I would be treated as a criminal, and my action would have only affected at most a thousand people. However, this individual who effectively destroyed one third of the automotive industry has merely lost his job.

This debate about governmental power is merely a diversionary tactic by the media conglomerates to avoid the real issue in this crisis; these men, such as Wagoner, are criminals. They willfully destroyed our economy, crushed entire industries and ruined many lives. Yet the mass media has been completely silent about this. They want you to talk about whether or not him losing his job is too strong of a government intervention. This is a joke. This man, along with many of his buddies in the car industry and the financial industry, should be tried for treason and for threatening national security. Hell, for threatening global security. And I’ll be pretty surprised if someone doesn’t realize this and take drastic action. Look out for vigilante justice to come.

New Data Reveals That Leese Actually a Nice Guy, Not Perverted Felon

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know. Except, Dr. Leese is actually a nice guy. That part is not fake.

popeThe Megaphone has recently obtained documents from an anonymous source that reveals that many of our past allegations against Dean of Students Dr. Mike Leese were erroneous. The documents also point out that Leese is actually a pretty nice guy. Some of the past accusations levied against Leese include being arrested for having a mannequin fetish, stealing Mrs. Schrum’s cherry tree, getting arrested for mannequin-love again, giving alcohol to minors, and returning sex to the Sabbath. A past article that stated that he would be teaching a BDSM FRA was also false. According to the documents, Leese strictly engages in missionary acts of intimacy.

Not only is Leese innocent of all of the accusations previously brought against him, he is also a sincerely kind man.

“He volunteers at a soup kitchen, donates to charities, cares for foster animals, knits sweaters for small children, contributes more than his share at potlucks, pays his taxes in full, and regularly cleans the toilet. He is almost a saint,” said Associate Dean for Student Life Jaime Woody.

Although on the surface it might appear that the revelation of Leese’s kindness is beneficial, the reality is quite different.

“Now that people know he is a nice guy, we are sure that the number of violations will increase. If students aren’t afraid of Dr. Leese’s sordid past or that he’ll do something horrible, they will be more likely to break the rules,” said Vice President for Student Life Jerry Brody.

Surprisingly, the majority of the leads that contributed to the past Megaphone articles actually originated from Leese’s office.

“I feel like I’m more respected if people believe that I’m a terrible person. I do have to do all of the disciplining here on campus after all. If people believe that I have a sexual attraction to mannequins and teach sadomasochistic practices, they’ll be more likely to follow the rules,” said Leese.

Although most of the false leads came from his office, several also came from an unidentified employee who works in Cullen who said, “I wanted people to think I’m not the meanest person on campus. If people don’t think Dr. Leese is awful then they’ll know that I really am the most unpleasant person at SU.”

Despite the dangerous consequences of this knowledge being revealed, the truth of Leese’s beneficence had become too difficult to keep secret.

“One time I ran into him escorting an old lady across the street. I just assumed it was his wife but I guess he was just being nice,” said an identified student.

Leese himself was feeling the strain from his double life.

“I was trying to pretend that I really was as bad as the Megaphone had made me out to be. I even tried to steal a mannequin one time just to see if I’d like it. I of course immediately returned it and gave the store employees free tuition as long as they’d keep my secret. I just couldn’t bear the shame of living this life any longer.”

Many students have been shocked by the revelation.

“I once saw Dr. Leese cleaning trash up off of the side of the highway. I figured it was part of his community service requirement because of his long list of arrests. I never imagined that he was just being altruistic,” said senior Floyd Hebert.

Sophomore Natalie Thaddeus agrees, “I can’t believe that Dr. Leese is actually a decent person. I have been praying for him for years. What am I going to do with my Thursday mornings now?”

Other students have responded to the news with glee.

“What, you mean I don’t have to be afraid of Leese’s freaky sexual proclivities if I break a rule? Kegger at my place this weekend!” said sophomore and 20 year-old Sam Marsh.

First-year Ruter inhabitant Brian Stoner agrees, “This is great. I’ve been afraid to grow ganja in my closet for ages because I was afraid of Leese. I don’t have to buy it from the guy down the hall any more. Plus, now I can pay off my student loans by selling weed without worrying!”

Despite the increase in keggers, marijuana, pets, cohabitation, candles, dartboards, prostitution, illegal immigration, and Indian burns, Leese is relieved to be free from the deception.

“I feel so relieved that I don’t have to dress like a nun whenever I want to bring homemade cookies to the homeless. Mmm, I can already taste the sweet chocolate chips of redemption.”

So next time you see Leese, please be sure to tell him what a great guy he is and give him a big thumbs up.

Take Green to the Extreme: Stop Breathing

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.

I scream. You scream. We all scream for green extreme. It’s ecological warfare out there and too many civilians are out of the green zone. To fight the green fight, you must be armed for battle against incompetence, ignorance and insanity.

Here’s a list of the luckiest unobtrusive 13 tips that will guide your way to a greener aura for our sick planet.

1) Limit breathing to as minimal of an occurrence as possible. Every time you breathe in, CO2 emissions escape into our impressionable air. Hypothetically speaking, if the students of SU collectively stopped breathing, there would be a shockingly .00001% difference made. If all institutions of higher elitism participated in such selfless acts of non-respiratory action, imagine the difference. Plus, carbon dioxide is probably not the only thing coming out of that mouth of yours.

2) Refill water bottles or buy one and just keep refilling it. Even better, buy one keg and just keep refilling one beer bottle. By buying in bulk, you can spend money on decent tasting beer (ahem, not Keystone Light). Who knows? Maybe your party’s approval rating will increase as a result of finer refreshments.

3) Limit the use of disposable items such as paper plates and plastic cups. Reuse the same cup over and over again. Since it would be wasteful to wash said cup upon completion of every drinking occasion, consume all the alcohol you would normally have dispersed throughout the week into one swell helping. Not only will you be using one cup, but you will only have one hangover.

4) Brush your teeth no more than once a day. It’s just like your bed. What’s the point of keeping them clean, only for them to become messed up again?

5) Buy local. Don’t buy into the evil eco-unfriendliness and global domination that is Wal-mart. Try Reuben’s Wine & Spirits, Twin Liquors, Quik Sip or Hunter’s Liquor Wine & Beer. There’s nothing like economically giving back to your community.

6) Have a plant. Not only are you helping put back oxygen into the air that your selfish humanness is usurping, it looks pretty. Go for a mint one – at least then your carbon emissions won’t taste so foul.

7) Figure out your carbon footprint. Now seek to eradicate it. No one needs further proof of your existence. It’s called a birth certificate – wasteful in itself (except if you’re Obama and from the state of Hawaii, or Kenya or Indonesia),

8) Refuse to physically turn in papers, no matter the consequences. This form of civil disobedience is of the noblest of deeds. Seriously, the rest of the world or the rest of your life? You do the math. (Hint: The world > and NEVER = your life).

9) Keep to-do lists on a dry erase board of all the things you will never accomplish instead of wasting paper with your lofty goals. In addition to saving paper, you can catch a whiff of some noxious fumes for a brief buzz.

10) Limit Facebooking and other willy-nilly activities of cyberspace littering and keep your screen brightness on the lowest possible setting as you constantly update your status on the details of every waking (and sleeping) moment of your meaningless existence. Plus, you’ll be saving yourself from the potential diagnosis of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

11) Unplug electronic devices that aren’t in use as massive amounts of insignificant energy are still drawn. Those are precious joules of your life you’ll never have back.

12) Bypass research intensive classes. Think of all those academic journals of PhD speak you wastefully print out and pretend to read. This may sound as if that is excluding the entire course selection, but let’s not be overdramatic – merely 99.9%. There’s always Bowling. Or Kinesiology.

13) Avoid heavy thinking. Heavy thinking causes an increase in breathing and therefore, an increase in carbon dioxide emissions. If you must continue with such egomaniacal practices, plant something. Or just leave SU.

By the time you graduate from SU, you might not have any money, a job, or even any practical skills to contribute to society, but at least you will be loaded with swanky knowledge on how to combat humanity’s self-imposed doom.

Being green is like giving a hug to grumpy old people. They might not like it initially, but over time they’ll be better off for it.

Remember, the world is your smelly, dirty, pestilent oyster, not your garbage disposal. Take care of it.

Poetic Thoughts on the Color Purple, Boze-Style

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.

popePurple is my favorite colour. It’s the juxtaposition of two of my favorite hues: red and blue. These colors spell many things, including patriotism and chemistry. These subjects are the subject of many, many books which I hold in high regard, from Lucretius’s De Rerum Natura to Toby Kieth’s famous song, “Red, White and Blue (The Angry American).”

Purple is just a majestic color. It stands for royalty – it stands for love. It stands for haste. It stands for… a lot of things, which I can’t simply communicate into the English language. I can communicate it in Arabic, however, but my (purple) computer doesn’t have those necessary fonts.

Purple was a source of happiness and love for years. Did you know, that in classic Technicolor movies, whenever something good happens to the main character (or when something bad happens to the evil character), they would tint the screen purple to give the viewer a sense of ectasy and an unknown thrill of sensuality and delight.

It is entwined in history and fiction. Did you know that in JK Rowling’s famous book series, “Harry Potter,” multiple times throughout the third book, it talks about Harry’s cloak being purple? Whenever Harry wears his purple cloak, he is taken to a realm of hypersensitivity and ecstasy to defeat the evil forces of that person who shall not be named.

Harry was a wizard, and what a wizard wears, that’s tolerable with me.

Did you know that the gay/lesbian/transgendered community made purple their “symbol” because of the ecstasy and happiness the color purple gives everyone? It simply makes you gay!

Out of all the colors mentioned in the Bible, purple is the most common with nine mentions, including the famous saying by Jesus, “All ye who are ye purple shall go with ye to the heaven.” (Q 97).

Since it is the most mentioned color in the Bible, as well as mentioned in the Harry Potter series, why don’t we appreciate this color more? Let’s start today. Find someone wearing a purple cloak or pant and say, “Hey there. I like your purple cloak or pant. It looks nice on you. It accentuates your secondary sexual features.” Then they will smile at you, and you shall feel a sense of ecstasy that is radiating off the person’s purple, and you both will share a purple ectasy.

In the book of Micah, Micah was wearing a purple cloak when he was talking to the governor of Judah, Judahmah. Judahmah prompted to mock and insult Micah, and then God made him explode. The moral of the story was that it is against God’s law by insulting or mocking people wearing purple.

It is possible that if Micah wasn’t wearing his magical purple cloak, he could’ve gotten his feelings hurt by the abrasive Judahmah and slowly go into a depression.

Bart Simpson was frequently shown on T-shirts wearing a blue shirt and purple shorts. This can be seen as Simpsons’ superiority over other cartoon shows, because of his majestic, royal, purple shorts.

Out of all the colors, purple has the best flavor, tasting something like kung pao chicken, but with more blue.

Purple also has the most synonyms out of all the colors. It has many names…purple, indigo, light purple, lavender, Raymond (which is Old German for “purple one”), dark purple, amaranthine, lilac and wine.

All of these are synonyms, by the way, for “love”, “peace”, and “ecstasy”. So, start by wearing purple. Just start by wearing a purple hat, or maybe color a dot on your hand. Then you can start wearing a purple cloak. A majestic cloak.

You can pretend you are just like Harry Potter or the great prophet Micah. Then, if you desire, you can wear an entire guise of purple products, and simply live in a cloud of purple and ecstasy.

Schrum Caught Ridin' Dirrty

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.

popeLast weekend, SUPD arrested University President Schrum after they caught him riding dirrty.

He was allegedly sipping on gin and juice when officer Deborah Brown pulled him over on his Pirate Bike at 4:58 a.m. Sunday morning near the fraternity houses. He lead the SUPD on a chase from the frats to his home on campus.

He reportedly rapped aloud very whitely during the chase, “They see me rolling. They hating. Patrolling, they try to catch me riding dirty!”

Brown finally caught Schrum when he mistook the Religious Activity Center for his house. He had twenty-three and five-eighths kilos in his possession, five of marijuana and the rest in cocaine.

However, Brown charged Schrum for being a cracker and confiscated the drugs for “testing” in the SUPD drug lab.

When he was being read his Miranda rights, he recited a similar scene as told by the sweet rhymes of N.W.A: “Yeah, I’m a gangster, but still I got flavor. Without a gun and a badge, what do you got? A sucker in uniform waitin’ to get shot!” While Brown took him into custody he continued repeatedly with the chorus of the song, “F*ck the Police!”

He was also concealing a machete and numerous firearms, including four Glocks, two tommy guns, and a musket that seemed to be stolen from the Special Collections on the second floor of McCombs Center.

“I was just trying the thing out. Um, I mean dat thang,” Schrum said.

The campus community was shocked when SUPD officials made the arrest public, especially Mrs. Schrum.

“He had much too much crunk juice that night. I tried to stop him from leaving, but he just started shouting, ‘Move biotch! Get out the way!’” said Lady Schrum in tears.

“I couldn’t believe how horribly he misquoted Ludacris. What a cracker.”

Administration is currently determining what actions to take on Schrum’s arrest. Schrum is expected to face trial with the Student Judiciary at a date undetermined when this issue went to print. Inside sources in administration shared with the Megaphool the advice they gave to Schrum during this tumultuous time in his career: “Shawty [should stay] low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.”

When asked about the current status of his case, he expressed little concern. In fact, he proudly described his current situation as a public demonstration for the legalization of drugs and firearms on college campuses, necessary for liberal progression at Southwestern. “This looks like a job for me. I think what this university needs is a little controversy. It would feel so empty without me.”

On a completely unrelated note, a student recently questioned Schrum about the ever-increasing price of tuition. In response, Schrum reportedly responded, “I’m not saying we are gold diggers. But we’re not messing wit some…um…poor parents of students.”

Farewell, Sports Section

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.

popeIt is my duty to inform you with the saddest of hearts that your beloved Megaphone will no longer be able to provide you with updates about the going-ons in the Southwestern sports world. It has been proclaimed by the powers-that-be that the sports section will be discontinued henceforth because of a serious lack of interest in whatever used to be published under this title.

The reasons for this future omission of sporting data are no doubt complex and the reasons for these previously mentioned reasons are also probably rather convoluted. This is my humble attempt at explicating them, although with so many tears streaming down my face it is sort of difficult for me to form coherent sentences, of which I am sure by now that you are aware.

The primary reason for this disconcerting and drastic action I would assume is the lack of commitment by all, myself included but to a lesser degree, to our athletic institutions. We’ve all failed these pillars of our educational institution. No one reads the articles about the athletic competitions. No one wants to write these articles. Hell, hardly anyone even goes to the events. Generally, I don’t even know that they are happening. With such a great lack of sports articles, the sports page has slowly been overrun with ads, replacing the latest softball win with ads for the SU underground strip club or Keva Juice.

The sports section had a small attempt to be saved until the results came in from last semester’s Megaphone poll. When the poll asked for student’s opinion about the sports page the generally response was “I don’t read it.” After the Megaphone staff flogged the current sports editor, they came to the sad realization that maybe the sports page should be dicontinued.

So I would say, what we have here is a most dire situation. It would appear that the student body has betrayed its ideals for things like academia, American Idol and other things that aren’t sports. Where, oh where, did we go wrong? And who’s to blame? Who knows? If I had to guess, and I do because I’m writing this article, I would venture to say that it is our fair institution of higher learning itself that failed us. What with all the homework, the parties and the other crap that isn’t sports, Southwestern simply blinded us from the glory of athletic competition at its finest.

But enough about sports and the soon-to-be lack thereof in our school’s newspaper, think about all the cool and interesting things that can be added in place of content that has gone unread for at least as long as the Megaphone has been published. We could publish advertisements (my personal favorite), academic essays or my own personal rants (generally synonymous with academic essays and my actual favorite). The new section could be titled “Other Stuff” or even something more intriguing like “Necrophilia.” The possibilities are not actually endless and will probably end up with something stupid and, though unlikely, possibly more worthless than the current sports section. But who’s to say?

The Pope: Condoms Don't Stop AIDS, but Jesus Will

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.

popePope Benedict XVI can place another knot on his robe for the amount of people he has officially angered. The Catholic church has always been at odds with with their usual enemies: homosexuals, premarital sexuals or abortionexuls. The Pope has taken extraodinary means to branch out and offend more than the usual suspects.

The Pope began his offensive run by attacking Harry Potter fans. The Pope argued that Harry Potter promotes witchcraft.

Obviously, the Pope would approve of more Christian sanctioned literature that does not encourage witchcraft such as “The Chronicles of Narnia,” “The Lord of the Rings” or “The Matrix” trilogy. Any of these choices would be much more appealing to good Catholics than wand wielding, Satan-encouraging Harry Potter and all his evil followers. The Pope argued that all Catholic children who have referred to themselves as “muggles” should be made to star in an action flick with Mel Gibson.

The Pope’s second step to angering the entire world was to take on the Muslim community. Quoting a 14th century pope, Pope Benedict refered to the founder of Islam, Muhammed, as evil and inhuman and also condemned Muslims saying that “true religions reject violence.”

Of course, the Catholic church is the perfect advocate for nonviolence. Especially after all of their great treatment toward women, their position of “non-interference” during the Holocaust, and let’s not forget Pope Benedict’s quote: “There may be legitimate diversity of opinion, even among Catholics about waging war and applying the death penalty, but not…with regard to abortion and euthanasia.”

In case my fellow Catholics were wondering, we are not cool with Muslim violence, but American war, no worries.

Most recently, the Pope decided to anger the Jewish community by allowing excommunicated members of the Catholic church back in. These members were excommunicated by Polish Pope John Paul II for denying that the Holocaust actually happened. Once the German Pope pulled his head out of his full-length robe, he was the first Pope in history to admit to the community that his decesion was wrong.

Catholics, and the rest of the world, could only keep their jaws off the floor for a few seconds before the Pope slammed them back to the floor.

Recently the Pope visited Cameroon in Africa and first encouraged the nation to be less materialistic. Because if there is one continent whose main problem is their obsession with material goods, it’s Africa.

The Pope continued his speech by explaining to the AIDS-stricken country that condoms actually do not help prevent the spread of HIV.

The Pope, of course has much knowledge on sex and the spread of sexual diseases. The Pope may be an 81-year old man who has taken a vow of celibacy, but he understands how condoms work. Condoms do not help whatsoever in preventing the spread of sexual diseases. The Pope is simply following the sexual education he received in Germany in the 1930s. The Pope prefers sex the good ol’ fashioned way, only existant in the marital bed or in closed confessionals.

The Pope also encourages the people living the hot zone of the AIDS epidemic to simply abstain from sex. Because the main problem with the spread of the AIDS epidemic in Africa is people having sex before they’re married.

For those of you keeping track, the Pope has succesfully offended Harry Potter fans, Jews, Muslims, AIDS workers, those suffering from AIDS, and all of their friends and family.

Considering the Pope’s old age, it seems that his life mission has become to turn entire world against Catholics. Only time will tell how much the next Pope’s job is going to suck.