Bednar Quits As Advisor of Megaphone

ednar in his glamorous younger years, when he campaigned for Reagan and wasn?t tarnished with the stubborn stain on his reputation that is The Megaphone. Note billowing tuft of chest hair.

It is with sincere regret that The Megaphone announces the resignation of its long-time advisor, Bob Bednar.

Bednar – who is the chair of three departments, all of which he created when he started at SU – cited various reasons for the departure.

“Why? Have you seen The Megaphone in the past year and a half?!”

“Seven-colored graphs that don’t tell anyone anything, stories on events that didn’t even happen, pictures of bestiality being distributed to the whole Georgetown community – and I have to take the heat for all of it,” Bednar said.

Before taking over as advisor of The Megaphone, Bednar was an SU student who worked at the paper as an editor and was known for his strange article choices.

“Bob Bednar! Yeah I remember Bob Bednar! He was always running weird (expletive) in the paper,” a man claiming to work on the paper at the same time as Bednar said at a recent alumni reunion at the Loading Dock.

“One week there would be pictures of a new student organization that streaked from the Pike house every morning, the next week he would publish a list of places on campus where general illegalities were overlooked.”

After graduating from SU, Bednar spent 12 years exploring the United States on the back of a motorcycle, taking pictures with antiquated cameras along the way. Many of these pictures would eventually be published into a book: “Middle America: It’s not as bad as you think.”

Upon hearing about this book, the powers-to-be at SU offered Bednar a professorship position immediately.

“This was during a period when the university was not concerned about higher degrees and legitimate research as much as books of fancy pictures and aimless wanderings,” James Rademanivich, official Southwestern historian, said.

This hiring was soon followed by Bednar taking over as the Megaphone’s advisor. He was forced to accept this position after he accidently walked into the Megaphone’s office while trying to find a candy machine, falling victim to the early-‘90s tradition that if a faculty member entered into an organization’s official meeting place, he or she was forced to take over as that group’s advisor.

After a brief period of grief and denial, Bednar came to enjoy the position.

“Yeah man, those were the days. Everything was in black and white, there was a megaphone on the front cover, and no one was complaining about anything because no one was reading it. I had plenty of time to read books written in the 1970s and take pictures of America,” Bednar said of his early years at The Megaphone.

When questioned on his use of the term “America,” he said that he doesn’t care what anyone says, because United States of America is too long.

Recent years have strained Bednar’s relationship with the newspaper, though.

“It has just become too much of a big deal recently. The day that people started reading it, I thought that it should have become a monthly thing. They’re catching on to all the lies and false accusations that we are putting in now,” Bednar said.

“Do you know how unpleasant it is to have a resident – any resident now, not one that is old, religious, a no-good townie or whatever – giving me trouble about how our paper offends and degrades them?”

Bednar’s tenure as Megaphone advisor will come to a close at the end of this year.

“It’s my time. I haven’t seen my wife in months, there is paperwork piling up on my desk and Shiner is introducing a new seasonal beer soon – I just really have better things to do,” Bednar said.

The staff of The Megaphone is unsure of who will take over as the advisor next year.

Editor-in-chief Rachel Rigdon has said repeatedly that the choice will not be made until next year.

“Our next advisor? Like I care, by the time they get to that I’m going to be on a plane going to Ireland to marry my boyfriend so that we can start the life of poverty that awaits every pair of liberal arts graduates,” Rigdon said.

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