The Pope: Condoms Don't Stop AIDS, but Jesus Will

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.

popePope Benedict XVI can place another knot on his robe for the amount of people he has officially angered. The Catholic church has always been at odds with with their usual enemies: homosexuals, premarital sexuals or abortionexuls. The Pope has taken extraodinary means to branch out and offend more than the usual suspects.

The Pope began his offensive run by attacking Harry Potter fans. The Pope argued that Harry Potter promotes witchcraft.

Obviously, the Pope would approve of more Christian sanctioned literature that does not encourage witchcraft such as “The Chronicles of Narnia,” “The Lord of the Rings” or “The Matrix” trilogy. Any of these choices would be much more appealing to good Catholics than wand wielding, Satan-encouraging Harry Potter and all his evil followers. The Pope argued that all Catholic children who have referred to themselves as “muggles” should be made to star in an action flick with Mel Gibson.

The Pope’s second step to angering the entire world was to take on the Muslim community. Quoting a 14th century pope, Pope Benedict refered to the founder of Islam, Muhammed, as evil and inhuman and also condemned Muslims saying that “true religions reject violence.”

Of course, the Catholic church is the perfect advocate for nonviolence. Especially after all of their great treatment toward women, their position of “non-interference” during the Holocaust, and let’s not forget Pope Benedict’s quote: “There may be legitimate diversity of opinion, even among Catholics about waging war and applying the death penalty, but not…with regard to abortion and euthanasia.”

In case my fellow Catholics were wondering, we are not cool with Muslim violence, but American war, no worries.

Most recently, the Pope decided to anger the Jewish community by allowing excommunicated members of the Catholic church back in. These members were excommunicated by Polish Pope John Paul II for denying that the Holocaust actually happened. Once the German Pope pulled his head out of his full-length robe, he was the first Pope in history to admit to the community that his decesion was wrong.

Catholics, and the rest of the world, could only keep their jaws off the floor for a few seconds before the Pope slammed them back to the floor.

Recently the Pope visited Cameroon in Africa and first encouraged the nation to be less materialistic. Because if there is one continent whose main problem is their obsession with material goods, it’s Africa.

The Pope continued his speech by explaining to the AIDS-stricken country that condoms actually do not help prevent the spread of HIV.

The Pope, of course has much knowledge on sex and the spread of sexual diseases. The Pope may be an 81-year old man who has taken a vow of celibacy, but he understands how condoms work. Condoms do not help whatsoever in preventing the spread of sexual diseases. The Pope is simply following the sexual education he received in Germany in the 1930s. The Pope prefers sex the good ol’ fashioned way, only existant in the marital bed or in closed confessionals.

The Pope also encourages the people living the hot zone of the AIDS epidemic to simply abstain from sex. Because the main problem with the spread of the AIDS epidemic in Africa is people having sex before they’re married.

For those of you keeping track, the Pope has succesfully offended Harry Potter fans, Jews, Muslims, AIDS workers, those suffering from AIDS, and all of their friends and family.

Considering the Pope’s old age, it seems that his life mission has become to turn entire world against Catholics. Only time will tell how much the next Pope’s job is going to suck.

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