Fake Off: SU Dropping Studies For Sports?

This is satire and does not express real life in any way. – Web Editor

Crazy Fan - Courtesy of Lane Hill Sausage Factory


Written by Andrew Dornon

Dear readers: as many of you probably know, El Presidente, Jake Schrum, recently sent out an email to the student body about how Southwestern is going to respond to the financial crisis. Some of his points were to not hire any new professors and to cut the amount of visiting professors on staff. Noticeably not on the list of ideas: stopping watering the grass and concrete constantly. This concerned citizen found the list completely unacceptable. Thus, I set out on my own fact-finding mission, complete with numerous surveys, thousands of interviews and plenty of incomprehensibly-detailed statistical analysis.

The most significant thing I found about the inner workings of SU however was not found through this extensive research. I simply went to the SU website and looked at the number of full-time faculty members in different academic departments. I discovered that there are 18 full-time professors and instructors in the kinesiology department. This struck me as strange. It also angered me because I hate sports, and kinesiology is the study of how to become a coach. So I looked deeper into Southwestern’s secret love affair with sports. Turns out this number is justified because these instructors and professors are sometimes coaches. Others teach Fitness and Recreational Activity classes. So maybe it actually does make sense, but here’s the thing. I don’t care. SU isn’t trying to be a school where people come for the badass sports. If it is moving in that direction then someone should notify me because I have been misled. I came here because of the academic side of things and because SU doesn’t have a football team.

One could say that these things lead to our campus community being well-rounded. But in these trying economic times, well-roundedness takes a backseat. We shouldn’t get rid of actual academics who teach and do worthwhile research. Especially considering that according to a top Southwestern administrator, the university is considering removing the College Writing course requirement. Hmm, yeah, let’s get rid of a class that prepares freshman for every other college class they’ll take. An obviously more reasonable option would be to remove the FRA requirement. This would have little negative impact on the academic prowess of our beloved university, and I wouldn’t have to sign up for some ridiculous class like leisure sports. In no way would that class help me. Being able to write a good academic essay on the other hand would definitely help me.

And yes, I realize that maybe we would have to get rid of some sports or at least our teams wouldn’t be as good. But I don’t know if our sports teams are good as it is. I’ve never been to a sporting event here, and I don’t plan on it. Sure, sports can be fun, I guess, but they should in no way take precedence over scholarship and that appears to be what is happening at SU.

Even in such times of economic hardship and uncertainty, does this community really want to put literal games above academic discourse and progress? If the answer is yes, then I certainly misjudged what this university is about. If the answer is no, then I’ll be pleased because then I won’t have to fantasize about tripping the athletes in the Commons who get 12 glasses of Powerade at dinner.


Written by Remy Robertson

The financial email that President Schrum released was dead on. Andrew Dornon’s reaction, however, is not.

First of all, we all know that Southwestern really doesn’t care about sports at all. It’s not about athletics; it’s about competing with Trinity. Trinity and Southwestern have parallel academics, but why might fresh intellectuals in high school go to Trinity? They have a sports scene! Southwestern isn’t highly concerned with athletics; Southwestern’s concerned with attracting more students. That’s right: they want your money. Why is the tuition going up and the sports staying? So that students won’t be as inclined to choose sister-school Trinity over Southwestern because of some societal rave called “athletics.”

On a different note, to get rid of the kinesiology department, and all of Southwestern’s sports, is ludicrous. What my fellow writer does not understand is that having sports benefits him. Yes, he, and all of you other non-sporters out there, benefit from Southwestern’s athletics.

Because so many people at Southwestern are involved in the athletic arenas, they have less than half the time the rest of us do to get homework done. And we all know Southwestern’s a bitch when it comes to homework. Thus, because we sit next to these fellow athletes in class, we have such a better opportunity at scoring better grades with professors—especially in the subjective classes, where teachers get to decide what’s good and bad.

If a professor is only going to give, say, three As on a set of papers, non-athletes like Dornon have a much better chance at scoring for one of those three spots rather than athletes who have all of their time getting drained on the field or eating and making up for the calories they’ve lost while working out. Without these athletes in our class, the class gets much more competitive. Is that good? Sure. But do non-athletes really want to cut the kinesiology department? No, of course not: it helps their grades!

As for the college writing requirement, why not cut it? People (like both Dornon and I) didn’t have to take a college writing requirement. But who cares? Cut the requirement, and let those people into upper–level writing classes. I’d rather compete with classmates that haven’t taken a college writing class than those that have. Why? It makes my job easier. Those that really need college writing aren’t going to snatch an A from me. Give them the college writing class, and they might have a bit better shot. So cut the requirement and boost my GPA.

Are we sacrificing academic scholarship by allowing such a wide range of athletics? Maybe so. But frankly, it helps non-athletic scholars out by giving us a good break in the academic arena. It’s not to say that athletes are dumb (or is it?), but rather the fact that they don’t have the time (or will) to commit such a better job at scoring grades. Look around: they’re sleeping in class. Do I blame them? Neh—sports is a tough world to compete in. Rather, I’d just like to pat them on the shoulder and tell’em thanks for the extra points on my last essay.

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply