Large Hadron Collider Has High Probability to Destroy Universe

Written by Andrew Dornan
“Mein FUHRER!  I CAN DESTROY!” Courtesy of Michael Morgan
The Large Hadron Collider is a particle accelerator the size of New Jersey. It was built under Switzerland in order to find particles and other crap that may or may not exist. Completely pointless things. They are trying to recreate the Big Bang on a miniature scale. It also cost a lot of money. Like enough to buy most of the inhabitants of Austin. The LHC took over 100 scientists about ten years to build, and then within the first 15 seconds of the first test run, they broke it. Yeah, I know. And it’ll take quite some time to get back on track.

But that isn’t really the big deal. There was a controversy over the use of the LHC because of the possibility that it would create a black hole and destroy the Earth. At first a consensus of scientists said that this was a tiny probability and that even if it did create a black hole, it wouldn’t be that bad.

And here’s where it gets really good. After they broke it, some scientists working on the project decided to, you know, do some equations on this possibility. And guess what they found. The black hole scenario was extravagantly more likely than originally thought. How about that?

The “smartest” people in the world just got together and were like “Hey, we’re bored. Let’s build some cool, expensive machine that serves no functional purpose.” Governments heard this idea and were like “Great. Maybe one day we can use this machine/knowledge garnered from said machine to make terrifying weapons.” And so they did.

Eventually, after the machine had been constructed some other scientists thought that maybe the LHC could cause some problems. Like creating microscopic black holes that would grow as they consumed matter and finally swallow the planet. But the LHC researchers decided that this was no big deal. They talked about numbers and statistical significance and other mathematical jargon. So everything just went ahead as planned, that is, until these brilliant scientists broke their new toy almost immediately.

Which in and of itself is fairly ironic, but it got better when a group of LHC scientists “discovered” that the dooms-day scenario was significantly more probable. So what did they do about it? Nothing. As soon as they fix this gargantuan laser pointer, they’ll just fire it up as though no new information had come to light. Talk about the scientific method. You know, the one that says “Test a hypothesis in order to prove the coolest results.”

But I suppose that being able to prove the Big Bang Theory is probably a worthwhile reason to destroy the Earth. It would be fairly amusing to finally prove New Earth Creationists wrong. In the midst of all this the laughter would continue as the world ended and their beloved Messiah did not appear to save them from being crushed into an infinitely small space along with all other matter on earth.

Thus, I say fire away, good scientists, fire away.

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