Fake Off: SU Dropping Studies For Sports?

This is satire and does not express real life in any way. – Web Editor

Crazy Fan - Courtesy of Lane Hill Sausage Factory


Written by Andrew Dornon

Dear readers: as many of you probably know, El Presidente, Jake Schrum, recently sent out an email to the student body about how Southwestern is going to respond to the financial crisis. Some of his points were to not hire any new professors and to cut the amount of visiting professors on staff. Noticeably not on the list of ideas: stopping watering the grass and concrete constantly. This concerned citizen found the list completely unacceptable. Thus, I set out on my own fact-finding mission, complete with numerous surveys, thousands of interviews and plenty of incomprehensibly-detailed statistical analysis.
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The Web Editor, He Speaks!

Written by Lane Hill
Megaphone Web Editor

Most of you don’t know me because the writers do not interact with me much/at all. But that’s okay. Here I am. This little part of the Staff Blog is going to be about: pick up trucks, coffee, who I find attractive, why I hate printers, word processors, and why I’m doomed.

Do you like lists? I love lists, and I find it easier to communicate if I list out everything on bullet points.

  • I drive a 2002 Chrysler 300M. It’s a midsize sedan – however, it is dwarved by the size of huge trucks and cars. If I’m parked in between two gigantic cars, I get very paranoid that a car is going to come by and not see me. That’s a horrifying feeling – just going on your day, and then WHAM! Car out of nowhere. Plus, why do people buy pick ups or SUVs if they are not going to use it for their intended purpose? If you’re a farmer, or you have to regularly pull a boat or a trailer, that I understand. But if you’re just some cool dude, and you buy an F-250 for no reason…I mean, come on. You gotta be making up for something, whether it’s the size of your brain…or other parts.
  • Collary to the above: Why must you put balls on your truck. LOL MY TRUCK HAS TESTICLES. Yeah. I find fart jokes funny too.
  • Coffee is awesome. It has a strong flavor. It’s an awesome flavor. It has helpful oils & nutrients. It’s pretty much calorie-free if you drink it black. It comes in many different varieties. It’s more manly than tea. Kids aren’t allowed to drink it – it’s actually in the Constitution! It also probably fuels some sort of evil misogynistic racist industry too, but oh well. *sip*
  • Actresses who I find physically attractive: Maggie Gyllenahaal, Gretta Garbo, Christina Ricci, Marilyn Monroe, Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts and that’s all I can think of at the moment.
  • I hate hate HATE printers. I was in the middle of printing a paper when my printer broke down. While trying to fix the problem, I put too much pressure on the top and destroyed the flatbed scanner. I went out of control in rage, and went outside to have the printer meet its doom at the end of a 9-Iron. I eventually got my roomate in on this too. Wonderful stress reliever. As a side note, the spare printer I had when I bought my computer works perfectly and it’s quite fast. So, this stupid tale has a happy ending.
  • Word processors (such as Microsoft Word, Pages, Microsoft Works, OpenOffice Writer…) suck. On my laptop I have to use OO Writer because my copy of Office decided it never existed. Even if I save as a .doc file, it’ll ALWAYS save it as an .odt. With all word editors, there is no easy way to declare what part of a paragraph should be indented which way, and what represents a block quote…and etc. One day, I will make a Word Processor that is easy to use. The secret in this would just have to be use some sort of XML format and….(technobabble)
  • Why I’m doomed: I have psoriasis on my hand, way too open about my life, and I’m working three jobs and taking 16 hours of class. I love to work, and I love to be busy. I’m happy getting 5 hours of sleep a night.
  • Commons Going Trayless For Good Next Semester

    Written by Kayla Bogs
    A student balances her food on her arms.  - Courtesy of ?
    One of the biggest controversies of 2008 at Southwestern has sneaked its way back into the system. Despite being the subject of several email wars and SING! mocking, a trayless commons is on the way.

    Last week, Student Congress ruled that the commons will go trayless beginning next semester. This change will be put into place next August.

    This idea was tested out last semester for a week, one in which many students’ true colors came out while expressing their opinions about it. “Trayless Week” caused much controversy in the student body and many will never forget that experience.

    “I despised trayless week,” first-year Eric Godat said. “I thought it was cumbersome to carry all of the plates, and I actually ate more because I had to go back into the food area so many times.”

    Trayless dining is nothing new to college and university campuses. According to Sodexho, schools including Georgia Tech, Prairie View A&M, Valdosta State, South Carolina State University, Rowan University and UMass-Dartmouth all have trayless dining.
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    Rocky Horror to Be Big, Wild Party

    Written by Shana Robinson
    The Cast and Band of Rocky Horror - Courtesy of ?
    “The Rocky Horror Show,” directed by Rick Roemer, starts Wednesday, Feb. 25 in the Jesse H. and Mary Gibbs Jones Theatre. The rock ‘n roll musical features Frank-N-Furter, Brad, Janet, Magenta, Riff-Raff and crew as they sing and dance to favorites like “Sweet Transvestite,” “Dammit Janet” and “TimeWarp.”

    “Straight up, people should expect a drag show, a rock show and a just all around good time,” Evan Faram, a junior playing the part of Dr. Frank-N-Furter, said.

    Junior Michael Balagia, who will play the part of Dr. Everett Scott, said, “People can expect to be offended if they have a delicate sensibility. They can also expect to feel awkward if they are sitting next to their parents.”
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    Craigslist Gives People Second Chances

    Written by Kendra Lancaster
    Our Features Editor Tries to Get Her Second Chance - Courtesy of Michael Morgan

    “Blue Eyed Cutie at Southwestern Baseball Game Saturday Afternoon – m4w.”

    Are you a blue-eyed female who happened to go to the SU baseball game against Schreiner? At the game did you happen to be asked how to get to Subway by a couple of guys? Did you happen to share a special connection with one of these boys who stayed behind to talk to you?

    Well, if you happened to answer yes to those three questions, then the potential love of your life is out there trying to find you!
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    Tasty Party Snacks for the Cooking-Challenged

    Written by Lori Higginbotham
    Megaphone Op/Ed Editor

    I do not cook. I do not like cutting things up, stirring ingredients, baking things and then poking at them with little metal sticks to see if they are hot enough. (Paula Deen is always doing that with her cakes.) Cooking does not make me happy—it makes me rather frustrated. Two things make me much happier than cooking, however. These are eating and parties.

    Because of my dislike of cooking, my favorite party foods are going to consist of things that generally come pre-made. This is because, on the one hand, if I am hosting the party, there will be no making of cute little miniature pies and chocolate-covered things and tiny sandwiches. On the other hand, if someone else is hosting and does care to make those tiny little pies, I have no idea what they are or how to make them, I just eat them. And no, I don’t really appreciate the work that went into making them for longer than it takes me to chew them.

    1. 7-Up Punch. The best party food ever isn’t really a food—it’s the punch. Punch is necessary on multiple accounts. It’s that infamous liquid courage, it’s usually tasty, but most of all, it gives you something to do with your hands without having to constantly shovel food in your piehole. That said, punch needs to be bubbly. I don’t care what else you choose to put in it, alcoholic or no, but you need to add 7-Up. End of story.
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    Large Hadron Collider Has High Probability to Destroy Universe

    Written by Andrew Dornan
    “Mein FUHRER!  I CAN DESTROY!” Courtesy of Michael Morgan
    The Large Hadron Collider is a particle accelerator the size of New Jersey. It was built under Switzerland in order to find particles and other crap that may or may not exist. Completely pointless things. They are trying to recreate the Big Bang on a miniature scale. It also cost a lot of money. Like enough to buy most of the inhabitants of Austin. The LHC took over 100 scientists about ten years to build, and then within the first 15 seconds of the first test run, they broke it. Yeah, I know. And it’ll take quite some time to get back on track.

    But that isn’t really the big deal. There was a controversy over the use of the LHC because of the possibility that it would create a black hole and destroy the Earth. At first a consensus of scientists said that this was a tiny probability and that even if it did create a black hole, it wouldn’t be that bad.
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    Bailouts Not Working

    Written by Tony West

    The first step in any analysis of the bailouts must begin by pointing out that one bailout was done by a Republican, and the other by a Democrat.

    Therefore, it renders the idea of pure party-driven politics moot. The next step, then, is to look at the bailout and ask if it addresses some of the fundamental issues that have caused this financial crisis – trust.

    However, this issue was already addressed on the show “D.L. Hughley’s Breaks the News” of all places, where one night he hosted Representative Barney Frank to discuss the auto bailout. D.L. Hughley recounted how he and his father bought a brand new Ford car, and then said “I swear to God, the next day we had to take it into the shop!”
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    Students React to Financial Changes

    Written by Remy Robertson

    Within the rising intensity of the global economic crisis, reforms are being made in every aspect of life.

    Sometimes that includes more walking and less driving or cutting back spending on superfluous items.

    President Schrum’s campus-wide email outlining the proposed fiscal reforms for Southwestern University has me wondering on the actual economic impact some of them will provide.

    Also, the question arises: why are we choosing to reform these aspects of fiscal responsibility?
    First off, the most perplexing aspect of the policies outlined in the email concerns the hiring, freezing and firing of faculty positions.

    President Schrum states that no “new faculty positions” will be hired; no “increase [in] salary”; and a “continuation of the 9-month hiring freeze on staff vacancies.”
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    SU Swim Team Breaks Records At SCAC Meet

    Written by Kendra Lancaster
    A Man, Swimming - Picture Courtesy of Jessie CarrierThe Southwestern swim team ended their season this past weekend at the SCAC Championship meet. The women’s team ended up in sixth place in conference with a total of 386 points and the men ranked eighth place with 245 points.

    The men’s team had a great improvement from the previous year, scoring 68 more points than they had at last year’s tournament. Probably the biggest award of the tournament was Southwestern winning the award for the Women’s Coaching Staff of the Year.

    The team had a great show at the tournament this year, breaking a total of 20 school records and receiving seven All-Conference honors. A total of 11 swimmers made podium by placing top eight in their individual races.
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    Why Humphrey Bogart is important in the current economic meltdown

    By Vickie Valadez
    Backpage and Copy Editor

    Happy belated Valentine’s Day. Hope your day of couple cuddliness/single awareness/intentional dismissal of Saturday was a success.

    I am excited to write for you, readers in internet land! I am excited about sharing some observations I made while watching the classic film Casablanca this weekend. For those that have not seen it and don’t want spoiler, come back and read this after you’ve seen it. I’ll be waiting.

    Are you done? Ready now? Humphrey is a hunk, right?

    The ending is atypical of Hollywood romance movies because the guy doesn’t end up with the girl. After encountering one another in Casablanca, Bogart’s character, Rick, ultimately passes up the opportunity to continue the romance with his former lover, Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) because she is and was at the time married. Despite their strong feelings for one another (and repeated night encounters, with sex only subtly suggested with strategic cuts and Bogart smoking cigarettes in classic 1940’s cinema style), he makes this decision because she is an essential part of her husband’s work serving the French and against the Nazi regime in WWII. She knows confidential information and is general support for her husband, who is seen as a war hero for surviving concentration camps. So Rick determines she needs to fulfill her duty as wife to her husband, even if that means he does not get what he wants.

    There are pretty glaring problems inherent in this being Ilsa’s role as a wife, but for the sake of my argument I’m going to put aside the obvious feminist argument against Rick’s decision. I’m focusing on Rick’s sacrifice as a metaphor.

    I’m not sure if this kind of unhappy ending was more typical of American cinema in the ‘40s, but it certainly is in sharp contrast to the romantic philosophy of movies today. It’s not about your sense of duty or responsibility in a relationship. In the most cliché terms, it’s about being true to yourself and following your heart. In terms of many goofy high-school romance movies and others, this means the starlet promptly dumps the jerk with little explanation and rushing to the newfound love. Given, the newfound love has likely been played up as superior in various ways than former guy and there are always variations on this formula. Regardless, for the starlet “being true to yourself” and “following your heart” means doing what you want, whatever that is, responsibilities and others’ feelings be damned. Listening deep to your gut feelings.

    Sounds familiar, right? Like some former president’s foreign policy?

    This notion depends on some more modern notion that have been fed to kids, maybe post-Depression I imagine, that we deserve anything we want simply because we’re Americans. This philosophy of self-love and self-worth in terms of what we deserve is present everywhere, particularly in commercials. You can easily think of commercial catch phrases that endorse this notion. “Because I’m worth it.” “You’re working hard for your money…” “Treat yourself,” and so on.

    There’s nothing wrong with a healthy sense of self-love, but this notion certainly isn’t as socially emphasized as much as it was in the 40’s, despite the fact that then and now we are in war with foreign countries. It’s certainly not a war of the same scale, but we are in a recession. And even the current administration is giving tax cuts and bailouts, despite huge war spending. Maybe only now are people ignoring this superfluous notion of self-love by cutting spending, but only because the media has scared them into it, not because our national philosophy has changed.

    (The economy is actually doing great, by the way. What? Why? How, you say? Look for it on the Backpage of this week’s issue.)

    Obama can’t be expected to act any differently, to ask us to help ourselves by appealing to our united, national sense of duty to our country. Did we ever have one? Have previous generations had them? Who knows, but for sure this is what the American people want, what we’re accustomed to; to be provided the freedom and liberty to have or buy or desire whatever or whoever we want.

    Maybe that hunky Humphrey Bogart can teach us a thing or two. Maybe something about the difference between then and now; that one may have to give up what they most want for the betterment of those around us. You may not necessarily agree with that, with the movie’s ending or it’s larger social/political message, and in terms of the movie I don’t either. But it’s something to consider if we are going to ever do something real for the genuine betterment of ourselves and the people around us.

    Here’s looking at you, kid.

    Campus Breaks Ground for Community Garden

    Written by Vickie Valadez
    Backpage Editor
    Students Work the Gardens

    Various members from the SU community are finally getting their green thumbs dirty. Southwestern students, faculty and staff came together last Saturday morning to lay down mulch and soil and sow seeds in the new Community Garden. They have met at the garden behind Mundy for the last two weeks, creating the garden from scratch.

    The first week was spent measuring seven square plots and laying down cinderblocks that will be the walls of the future plants’ new home. The following week, soil was added to the plots and organic material was arranged to create a natural path that would help keep moisture in the plot soil.
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