Rove to McCain: "You've Gone Too Far!"

Written by Andrew Dornon

Karl Rove, former chief advisor to President George W. Bush, publicly criticized Republican presidential nominee John McCain’s political ethics. Rove’s comments were specifically aimed at the truthfulness of several negative ads targeting Democratic nominee Barack Obama. He said that McCain had “gone one step too far, and sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the 100 percent truth test.” As of yet, no one has ascertained when Rove came up with this test, but all are sure that it has only recently been implemented.

A few words on Karl Rove: He is on the fast track to Catholic sainthood. Recently, by Papal decree, he was moved ahead of Mother Teresa on the to-be-saint list. 

When it comes to politics, if there’s one man whose every word I take as fact, it’s Karl Rove. Fact or really well conceived and devious fiction.

The Iraq War, for example, is based on lies concocted by Rove and others, a great story of American justice and ideals of liberty. Sure, maybe he had a hand in stealing the 2000 presidential election not only from the Democrats but also from John McCain. Rove asserted that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child.
Well, illegitimate or adopted from Bangladesh. Same thing, right? Perhaps he did threaten Republican senators who wanted to investigate the legality of Bush administration wiretapping. But, I think all of this finger pointing is missing the bigger picture. Karl Rove’s deceit has always been for the greater good.
Cataloging all of the benevolent acts that Rove has performed throughout his life would be next to impossible. This is my meager attempt at the highlights of his career.

One of the least known about positions Rove held was that he was a paid consultant to Philip Morris, one of the largest tobacco companies in America, for five years. The tobacco industry had fallen on hard times in the media and needed Rove’s advice to help improve their image.

Rove’s actions here demonstrate his devotion to an American tradition. The tobacco industry is a tried and true American success story. An industry built on hard work, good business practices and getting kids hooked. Rove assisted this tobacco giant in propagating its product into the consciousness of American society as one of traditional values, while downplaying the fact that cigarettes kill their consumers with a regularity that could be called, well, traditional.
A pervasive theme of Rove’s political exploits is honesty.
A countless number of times, he has been implicated in leaking confidential information to the press. While some might portray these acts as disloyal or even treasonous, obviously they are merely testaments to his belief that honesty is the best policy, sometimes.

One of the more notable examples was the Valerie Plame affair. Here in his noble effort toward the truth, Rove revealed the identity of an undercover CIA operative to a journalist in an effort to legitimize false information regarding Iraq’s potential to have or to gain weapons of mass destruction. For those failing to see the righteousness in putting someone’s life in danger in order to credit your own agenda, let me clarify that Rove knew for a fact that the Iraq War was morally justified and absolutely necessary. Not to mention, a good idea.
In the vein of Rovian honesty, Karl Rove has been implicated in all genocides worldwide since his birth. Rove regularly kills small children who espouse liberal views. He also assassinated John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King. All of these actions have been for the neoconservative greater good.
So when this man questions your integrity, you might want to reconsider your entire life. Certainly, McCain needs to reconsider his self-proclaimed “Straight-Talk Express” campaign slogan.
If you’re being called out on your truthfulness by a man such as Karl Rove, then perhaps it’s to time to throw in the towel, or in McCain’s case, die.

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