Teeth: 5/5 Golden Ones

Written by Claire Booher, Audrey Oleana
Megaphone Staff Writers

Then “Teeth” is the movie for you. Although the movie was billed as a horror film, there are several points in which one will find them self exploding with laughter.

Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein, “Teeth” revives an old wives’ tale with a biting wit and painful amusement.

“Teeth” stars Jess Weixler as Dawn O’Keefe, a fresh faced beautiful blonde and a champion for high school abstinence programs.

Dawn deals with normal problems every abstinent teenage girl must go through. She falls for a young man with a healthy libido, who also is waiting until marriage. She has a sexually active step-brother who attempts to destroy her innocence as much as possible.

Dawn must learn to cope with the illness of her mother, the teasing from her classmates and her unique condition known as “vagina dentata.”

Being a high school student has its own emotional ups and downs; when Mother Nature throws in teeth with those hormones, it makes for a very interesting journey.

Dawn’s main problem with her condition is not that her wooha eats fiddle-faddles, but that she happens to be very attractive and is preyed upon by boorish mates.

“Teeth” is not a first date movie. For that matter, it is not a second, third or fourth date movie. The woman would leave laughing hysterically while the man will leave with tears in his eyes and pain between his legs.

The movie combines an excellent balance of horror and hilarity making for a rollicking movie going experience. The clever art direction reflects that of an old-school horror movie.

Dawn lives in a sleepy town, with a modest house and rides her bike everywhere.

The town conveys a very suppressed atmosphere which mirrors Dawn’s abstinence crusade and is an example of the small-time scary towns seen in movie classics such as “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” “Dawn of the Dead” and “Halloween.”

A perfectly well crafted zombie-massacre could occur in this town, and not one movie-goer would be surprised.

While the art direction conveys that of a scary movie, the cast’s emotions throughout the film give off the distinct air of comedy.

The most horrifying scenes of the movie, in which Dawn’s happy place destroys men’s magic loved one, are given a great comedic feel with Weixler’s wide eyes and “Home Alone” type scream.

Had this film been made more serious, the lead female would no doubt have a mad air about her. Dawn, however, has a calm rational persona that makes the story seem plausible and side splitting with every vajayjay attack.

John Hensley plays Dawn’s older step-brother, Brad. He is a striking character that has opposite values of Dawn.

His sexual activities and sinister look make him a stomach churning villain. He is dirty and dark, contrasting himself from the clean blonde picture of Dawn. His encounters with his women belie his nasty nature.

The other men Dawn encounters all have the appearance of being genuine. But in any movie where danger lurks below, the men are always the enemies.

If you have a weak stomach, do not plan on seeing this movie that is full of severed wankers.

“Teeth” is a movie for people with strong conviction, strong stomachs and a good sense of humor.

The movie has nothing to hide. You fully get exactly what you are expecting to see. Its ultimate appeal is that you can be completely horrified and laughing hysterically at the same time.

For all those men out there who may be emotionally hurting after this movie: “Every rose has its thorns.”

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